My Bulletin Board (About My Life) (Not That You Should Care)

Dear friends,I’m really bad at updating you about what’s going on in my life, so if you ever need to know, here’s the page.Love,
Des

📌 HOUSEWARMING
 Dear friends,
 
All of you and your mothers know that I have moved house. This is not news to anybody surely.
 A bunch of you have already come over to or left a little something for the house to “warm” it up. Honest to god, I have no idea what housewarming is actually supposed to entail either. Ace and Sheen almost bought us an oven. Please don’t!
 It’s a phenomenological matter to me, the concept of a housewarming. I’m stealing (poorly) from Bachelard (Poetics of Space) here, but if a home is essentially a place where one can dream in safety, then a housewarming is a way of consecrating the place to encourage imagination.
 This would mean very different things to very different people. For me, who grew up in a house that I shared with my mother, father, and sister, in a small town where everyone knew everyone else and had an opinion about them; I confined most of my daydreaming and creative work inside of my bedroom, where I felt less vulnerable to judgement and ridicule. When I became a teenager, I narrowed my little shelter even further within the four corners of my computer monitor when the internet became my only refuge to share ideas that were not acceptable or at least controversial to people in my town.
 I spent most of my life in these two makeshift nests, where I was allowed to imagine anything, even embarrassing or terrible things, and because of that, I was able to have an image of who I was. I formed my existence inside that room that my mother in 2008 decided to paint light pink; that I, when I was 11, plastered with photos of Harry, Ron, and Hermione; and then printed poems from the Anglo-American canon; which had a wooden door full of belts and jeans that hid a secret message underneath that I wrote with a pencil when I was 16 and then erased (but left its mark engraved in the wood forever) (“wanna get out of here!!!!!”).
 (It’s my sister’s dog’s bedroom now. I don’t really care, because I had no plans of moving back in ever, and I knew that this nostalgia lived forever in the house of my memory — not just in my brain but in the soles of my feet which remembers the coolness of the tiles in the living room, and in the tips of my fingers that know exactly how to twist the key in the main door, just so — more than anywhere really tangible. )
 A home is warm when it is safe, and when you are allowed to dream whatever the fuck you want in it, and in doing so, you become yourself.
 When you give us a little trinket for our house or you share with it the sound of your laughter, you’re really helping us trust this place. That its unfamiliar nooks and crannies can hold our joy, and nurture our imagination.
 We’ve got a 4-year lease, so by the time we leave, we’ll remember forever a house with you in it. That’s what a housewarming means to me.
 Love,
Des

📌 GRATITUDE!
 A simple thanks would suffice, I’m sure. None of you are so high maintenance. But if you are curious, here’s why — the unabridged, TMI account of why I’m grateful to you for wishing me well for my 25th year!
 (TLDR: “Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” — Mark Twain)
 This last year of my life I quit smoking and drinking at last — my longtime comforts against the disheartenments of life. It was primarily a health thing, but I’ve always known I really only drank so I could seem cooler (i.e. not a nerd, not someone who cared about anything in any real way) and stronger (i.e. not afraid of anything, not somebody who cried for any reason) because I thought that that was the only way for the world not to eat me alive.
 And because I loved these people who were cool and strong, and I wanted them to love me. For most of this year, I grieved that friendship. Not sure I am exactly done grieving it, really. It’s complicated, and all my fault, and can only be explained with these words I’m stealing from Kundera: What would I tell him? How would I respond? How would I explain to him that I couldn’t make peace with him? How would I explain that if I did I would immediately lose my inner balance? How would I explain that one of the arms of my internal scales would suddenly shoot upward? How would I explain that my hatred of him counterbalanced the weight of evil that had fallen on my youth? How would I explain that he embodied all the evils in my life? How would I explain to him that I needed to hate him?
 I am really not a good person (but, like, who is?). I’m holding on to things I really shouldn’t. I cannot let shit go. What’s this got to do with drinking, and what’s this got to do with my birthday, and what’s this got to do with you?
 When you wish me well — on my birthday, or any day — when you treat me like I can be good, I can be. I am on medication, and I am going to therapy, and I just need you to be patient with me while I get better at this human shit. I am not cool and I am not strong and I am who I am. When you accept me for that, and we don’t even have to drink for me to deserve it, you make this whole absurd enterprise worth infinitely pushing a boulder up the hill for.
 Thank you for the love, thank you for the joy, I am doing my best to let it all in, and to send it back out, sustainably.
 Des

📌 FAQ about this Barbie girl’s position on Barbie (2023)
 I feel the need to explain my position on Greta Gerwig’s Barbie (2023) considering that I’ve had an outfit ready for this July premiere since February.
 I am NOT trying to convince you to boycott Barbie. I DO NOT think that if you watch Barbie at the cinema that you are evil. I simply want to explain myself, in case you are curious why I won’t be watching Barbie (2023) at the cinema after all. If you’re not, then there is no need to read further; have a nice day!
 So. Why I’m not watching Barbie (2023) at the cinema, in increasing levels of complexity:
     1) I don’t want to anymore. I’ve snapped out of my Barbie (2023) obsession. That’s the main reason: my preferences simply changed. Everything below are some of the reasons that my preferences changed, but I don’t think that it’s my (or your) moral responsibility to boycott Barbie (2023) or anything. I just don’t want to pay to watch it anymore.
     2) The controversy about the nine-dash line that got Barbie (2023) banned in Vietnam is admittedly what snapped me out of my rose-colored view of this movie, but regardless if it’s there or not, it was just the issue that I needed to dial up my critical thinking again. And boy, there is a lot to criticize — things that are much less disputed than the nine-dash line.
     3) Barbie (2023) certainly isn’t the first movie to do this (see: the MCU, every Disney movie ever), but the over-over-commodification (see: everyone and their mothers licensing Barbie merchandise right now from fast fashion brands to an electric toothbrush) of this $145-million film is honestly disgusting me now. At this level, I don’t think any message of empowerment or token representation will overshadow the metatextual, material message that in the end, Barbie (2023) is just a means to sell you something. Everything. As many things as possible.
     4) And if Barbie (2023) is just a product — then the next question is: whose labor made this product? Hollywood writers and actors who are on strike right now. I don’t think you’d be crossing the picket line if you watch Barbie (2023) at the cinema, but with this much demand and with so much revenue already generated from licensing fees alone (which I doubt will go to the writers or actors — sans the lead roles — the majority of whom don’t even qualify for healthcare because of how little they earn due to greedy profit sharing from big studios), I’m sure that big studios will keep this in mind when — if — they go to the negotiating table: the certain profitability of existing IPs, with all its intertextuality and predictable formulas (see: every superhero movie ever, Disney reboots, prequels of every franchise ever) versus the uncertainty of seeding more original stories from writers who ask for more compensation than AI operators. So I’m not saying boycott Barbie, but I’m saying now would be a great time to show solidarity with the striking unions, and a particularly loud way to do that would be a mass boycott of what is clearly the dominant box office event of the summer. Of course, there are other ways to show your solidarity, but I’ve made this one of mine.
     5) No Hollywood movie is ever going to be free of the commodification of profit-hungry studios, and there is no ethical consumption under capitalism, as they say, but I don’t want to use any of that as an excuse to give more of my hard-earned money to big studios than I already do. And there’s always the option of not consuming something. Or at least, of slow consumption. I’ve decided to pirate Barbie (2023) instead and watch Oppenheimer (2023) at the cinema because, well, I’m a hypocrite just like everybody else (and because I’ve convinced myself that it’s relatively less commodified even though Christopher Nolan is an elitist white man). I can easily talk myself out of watching anything like any good Marxist can, and the only reason I’ve chosen Barbie (2033) is because it’s virtually impossible to miss it. Everyone and their mothers are buying this product, and I just decided — for nobody but myself really — that I won’t.
 Look, if you are watching Barbie (2023), I genuinely hope you enjoy it. I'm sorry if this bummed you out! And thanks for reading if you did :)
 With love,
Des

📌 WHAT'S NEW (AND WHAT ISN'T)Dear friends,I did not have any new year's resolutions this year (or for the last 10 years for that matter) because I believe that if you're really serious about changing something about your life, you can just do it whenever.(Also because I thought I was alright actually and didn't need to change at all.)However, life throws you lemons etc etc... I've come to realize that I have done quite a few big changes this year (mainly against my will) and what's the midyear for if not to take stock of some milestones that otherwise I would downplay and not give myself credit for?So here's what's new since 2022:1) I quit smoking and drinking in February because of a health issue and I've been trying to restructure my whole life around that ever since.2) In April, I had a falling out with two of my favorite people in the world and the grief from that aggravated another health issue which led to...3) Being medicated and finding other medicated pals who had compassion for what I was going through.4) Forming a book club to fully commit to being a nerd (now that I have to be sober) and meet new people who love books as much as I do.5) Starting a part-time job for some reason. (self-harm???)6) Oh, and in between all of those, I got 3 extra tattoos: (1) a biblically accurate angel on my thigh, (2) "farouche" on my wrist - it's a long story that invovles Victor Hugo, a discord server, and a suicide pact, and (3) a crown on my shoulder.7) And I am wearing more color. Well, I am trying it out. Another thing I'm trying out: being honest with my feelings?? (yuck) I hide my love in a lot of different places, and I'll try to show the people I love where those are now maybe idkI'm sure there must be many things that I'm forgetting. My memory is shite. Thanks for reading all my big milestones this year, and thanks for being patient with me while I try to be human in public. I appreciate you.Know that whatever changes, I will always be the piece of shit you either laugh with or laugh at. That bit is consistent.Yours,
Des

📌 READING BETTER THESE DAYSDear friends,I'm happy to share that I'm heading towards two reading milestones so far:☝️ I've organized a book club with the r/Cebu community (Hit me up if you want to join!); and✌️ I'm on book 4 of my all-female authors streak (I can't wait to share my reviews with anyone who'll listen soon).It's shaping up to be my most inclusive year of reading yet, and it's only May! (I have a special plan for Q4, too 👀 )I know I can be so annoying about the pretentious books that I like, so I want to take this time to say thank you to everyone who has to listen to me go on about all these niche stuff I obsess over and is my friend anyway. If there is a book you really like, something close to your heart, tell me. I'd like to read it for you, it's the least I can do.Take care always,
DesP.S. If you'd like to read a book about how much more important it is to connect with others than it is to be a pretentious smartass (you know, like I am), try Flowers for Algernon. I left a short, spoiler-free review about it here.

📌 NEW MENTAL ILLNESS DROPPED!Dear friends,Hard to believe from someone who is writing a letter on the world wide web telling everyone about my latest diagnosis but: I don't actually like telling people about my latest diagnosis. For privacy reasons, but also for existential reasons — I don't want to self-identify, and consequently, perform my own mental illness.And yet, it must be said: I have been diagnosed with PMDD, essentially a hormonal disorder that has been affecting my moods, without fail, for the good part of every month for the last 6-12 months.I am sharing this not because I want to explain away all the shitty things I've done in the last 6-12 months or will ever do, but because I do need your support. I'm the type of person who is very sensitive to people's expectations and I will always try to act like how you already see me, so I hope that you can help believe that I can be good. I won't always be, but if you still believe it, I can try again tomorrow, and maybe one day, I will deserve your kindness.Thank you,
Des

📌 SWAMPED WITH GIGS!Dear friends,I'm really Girl Being Served Too Many Pancakes Meme right now.On one hand, it feels good to know that my old clients liked my work so much that they keep coming back to hire me. On the other hand, holy shit. In the next 3 weeks, I've got scripts (plural) to write, theology papers as well, a video to direct and edit, a book club to organize, credit card statements to sort, and suppliers to call about a meat slicer. On top of my full-time job.Not to be deterred - I don't want this to get in the way of my social life - please still drop a line. Especially those of you who need a study buddy or a break from working from home. I found that sparing a few hours for friends help me stay sane during these insane work schedules.Ta,
Des

📌 CAN I BLAME THIS ON RETROGRADE?Dear friends,I have not been live, laugh, love-ing lately, if I'm being honest.The last 6 months have been difficult for my body, and later, my mind. My gut has been trying to kill me (GERD), my uterus keeps staging a coup (severe hormonal imbalance), and I still have a personality disorder. Also, I've had to quit smoking, anyway what's another thing to go crazy about (withdrawals) when I already have so much to feel insane about?Am I glad to learn that Mercury is in retrograde. Now I can stop blaming the smog for all my troubles. All joking aside, I've met with a lot of doctors, the last of whom being a psychiatrist, who will hopefully get me properly medicated so that I can once again live, laugh, love without interruption.Thank you for supporting me, if you have. It means more to me than I let on.Sincerely,
DesP.S. I feel the need to say this because I work for a mindfulness app: it's important to acknowledge that being well doesn't mean being constantly happy, or even constantly strong. You will still regularly find yourself on the ground because (shocker) you are human. When you're kind to yourself in these moments, when you accept support, when you seek help, when you understand that it's not the end of the world, you are already well. You will be fine. Scream into a pillow or something.